Moving. New places. New faces. I.am.so.excited. I am trying to be here now, but it’s really hard when I’m also calling around to get utilities turned on (and off), planning for kids’ schooling, etc. I still have too much to do here to push through (packing, a last yard sale, goodbyes), but I can feel the desert air coming for me. Or rather me going to the desert air.
The past week has been filled with goodbyes, and this week is even more packed. Two more goodbyes this morning. More tomorrow. And the next day. I really don’t like goodbyes. I think it’s expected that they should be sad, but I’m not particularly sad about these types of goodbyes because I don’t see them as permanent. They feel very temporary. There are phone calls, text messages, Skype, and a variety of other possible ways of communicating, visiting, and remaining in contact with one another.
But saying goodbye to someone’s life, that’s a bit different. Next month marks three years since the death of two beloved friends. They’ve been on my mind a lot lately. In particular, I have an urge to say goodbye to one of them, as if I can’t leave this area without saying goodbye. Since she has no grave, nothing to mark her passing, I am having trouble mentally formulating how to address this goodbye. I want to tell her she’d be so proud of my daughter, that she is missed, that she’s left a mark on my life that is profoundly positive. I want to tell her she changed me and taught me that different lives don’t have to mean distant relationships. I want to tell her I love her one last time.
These are my desires, but seeing as they are not possible, I must instead honor her by living in a way that honors her life. She brought music to my children, and I know my daughter thinks of her often as she plays instruments. She taught me that a tea party is for everyday, that the kitchen table is a place for laughter, music, serious conversation, jokes, friends, and tears. I know that she, like everyone, had her faults, but that a person’s faults do not discount that person’s value and potential. Rather than saying goodbye, I will take her friendship with me to a new place, but I will start now by holding her in my heart as I say goodbye to those I know.