I look like shit.

And that’s okay.

I teach.  Yes, that means I get summers “off.”  (Whether summers are really off is a topic for another day.)  Instead of taking the summer off, I taught. This was a mistake.  Yes, I made more money.  That has been nice–I think.  I’m not really sure where that more money is.

It means I’ve had no break. During the school year, I can’t just take off.  Teaching is one of the few professions in which taking time off (whether for illness or other reasons) is more of a hassle than just showing up.  I just finished a workshop yesterday, and my official day back (in service) is Monday.  I still have lots of planning to do for my classes.  LOTS of planning.

This morning I ditched it all.  When my partner left to take the kids to school, I stayed in my pajamas.  It’s 10:40 a.m., and I’m still in my pajamas right now.  I’ve burned a candle down to the end, eaten biscotti, listened to podcasts, drank espresso, and cleaned.  It feels good.  I caught a glimpse of myself in a mirror earlier, and I laughed at my shiny face, crazy hair, and baggy t-shirt.  I look horrible.  However, I know that, as of Monday, my ability to sit in my pajamas will be exhausted, so I’m going to appreciate the ability to look like shit this morning.

Can’t Keep Up

Let your soul stand cool and composed before a million universes.  –Walt Whitman

Two revise and resubmits, my dissertation, work (two summer courses + administrative work), two kids, exchange student who will be here Saturday, one husband, house hunting, autoimmune diseases including multiple sclerosis (ms–doesn’t deserve capital letters), lupus, polycystic ovarian syndrome (pcos), Hashimoto’s disease, and alopecia.  Oh, and there’s the issue with the hate speech student that I can’t really put here since I’m all up in that at the moment trying to quell an issue that I fear will lead to student violence.

When I put it all down there, it’s no wonder I feel like I’m dragging ass.  That’s a lot of tough shit.  And I’m in the middle of an ms flare up that began with migraines and headaches and is now just bone-tired fatigue.  I have four summer classes to go, then two weeks “off” (not really because I have work I have to do not including prep that also has to be done then), and then fall semester is in full swing.  I just transitioned to a vegan diet after a few years omni (following ankle replacement–allograft–for which doctors told me to eat meat for the bone healing then told me to continue because of vitamin deficiencies that weren’t there when I didn’t eat meat; I should have listened to my body). After only a few weeks completely vegan, my hormones are returning to normal levels, my hair is growing rapidly and growing back (!!!), the bags under my eyes are gone even if I am ridiculously tired, and I’m being told daily that I look “so healthy.”  I don’t know if that’s code for fat or just people saying they can see a difference they can’t name.

Lately I have so many things I want to write to the universe, and I keep telling myself they don’t belong on my professional blog.  This morning I realized, “Hey! I do have a personal blog…”  So here I am.  Writing.  Getting the frustration out. I think I’ll visit here more often.

Things I’m Reminding Myself Today

I woke up this morning with the gargantuan task of trying to polish the first three chapters of my dissertation while adding to chapter four.  Everything in my body is screaming that I don’t want to write.  I don’t want to sit here.  I don’t want to write.  I really don’t want to look at the damn thing today.  I slept poorly, and I can’t seem to get the house to a temperature that doesn’t leave me freezing.  None of these are real reasons not to write, but they do make writing feel like an inconvenience.  I’m supposed to submit what I have done tomorrow morning so that I can receive feedback that will help me move forward.

I’m waiting to hear about a consult at the Mayo Clinic for a preliminary diagnosis of M.S. and either Lupus or a connective tissue disease.  (The more I read, the more I realize that Lupus is most likely; and an ER doctor urged me to have testing a couple years ago, to which my GP responded, “You don’t have to worry about Lupus.”  My current doctor is more than a bit livid about the other doctor’s lack of concern.)  It’s not a matter of whether I have these diseases but a matter of the severity and progress of the diseases.

So I have this task of jumping through a final hoop, of completing this last piece of my graduate career, but all I can think about is that I’m wasting this day, wasting my desire to get out of the house, to be out in the world, and I’m wasting it sitting here writing this awful document that, when it comes down to it, no one really cares about.  At least once a day it crosses my mind that I should quit.  That I shouldn’t waste my time on this.  And perhaps I shouldn’t.  Then my favorite quote from my favorite Margaret Atwood book runs through my head.  “Not yet.”

Don’t quit yet.  You’re not sick enough yet.  Hold out a bit longer.



T-2 weeks.

Moving.  New places.  New faces.  I.am.so.excited.  I am trying to be here now, but it’s really hard when I’m also calling around to get utilities turned on (and off), planning for kids’ schooling, etc.  I still have too much to do here to push through (packing, a last yard sale, goodbyes), but I can feel the desert air coming for me.  Or rather me going to the desert air.

The past week has been filled with goodbyes, and this week is even more packed.  Two more goodbyes this morning.  More tomorrow.  And the next day.  I really don’t like goodbyes.  I think it’s expected that they should be sad, but I’m not particularly sad about these types of goodbyes because I don’t see them as permanent.  They feel very temporary.  There are phone calls, text messages, Skype, and a variety of other possible ways of communicating, visiting, and remaining in contact with one another.

But saying goodbye to someone’s life, that’s a bit different.  Next month marks three years since the death of two beloved friends.  They’ve been on my mind a lot lately.  In particular, I have an urge to say goodbye to one of them, as if I can’t leave this area without saying goodbye.  Since she has no grave, nothing to mark her passing, I am having trouble mentally formulating how to address this goodbye.  I want to tell her she’d be so proud of my daughter, that she is missed, that she’s left a mark on my life that is profoundly positive.  I want to tell her she changed me and taught me that different lives don’t have to mean distant relationships.  I want to tell her I love her one last time.

These are my desires, but seeing as they are not possible, I must instead honor her by living in a way that honors her life.  She brought music to my children, and I know my daughter thinks of her often as she plays instruments.  She taught me that a tea party is for everyday, that the kitchen table is a place for laughter, music, serious conversation, jokes, friends, and tears.  I know that she, like everyone, had her faults, but that a person’s faults do not discount that person’s value and potential.  Rather than saying goodbye, I will take her friendship with me to a new place, but I will start now by holding her in my heart as I say goodbye to those I know.

automated food

One of the things I’ve been thinking about lately is how to automate the parts of my life that I don’t want to waste brain space on (a la Sherlock Holmes).  The reoccurring thought here is that automating my food rituals would create a lot of freedom for me while also removing some of the things that make my life difficult.

I can’t eat complex carbohydrates.  This means I can’t eat sugar in most of its forms.  While I did really great abstaining for about 6 months (it’s hard to want to eat it when you are made so sick by it that you lose your appetite), I have not done so well lately, and it’s led to a lot of swelling; my stomach rebels by bloating in ways that make me appear 5 months pregnant.  So I’m avoiding sugar–again.  And it really should be a permanent thing.  But when I think about food and what I want to eat, I start weighing whether it is worth it to just have a little sugar.  It’s a slippery slope.

If I make meals routine, I’m likely to avoid some of that by knowing what I’m eating rather than considering choices that include no-no foods.  I can save time because I don’t have to put the thought into a meal, and it would make grocery shopping simpler.  Now I’m not talking about eating the same thing for every meal or even everyday, but rather eating the same meals each week, with the possibility for occasional variation or “kid’s choice” weekend dinners.

However, I want to make breakfast the same, because I’m usually not hungry but need to eat in the morning.  In the interest of time and health, I’ve decided mornings will consist of eggs over veggies with coffee on the side, maybe some fruit.  Since mornings can be hectic and will become more so once I move, I think that starting this routine now will help with creating a true routine once my mornings consist of getting the kids to two schools on opposite sides of a city–one walking, one busing–and then commuting to a neighboring city.  (Yes, I could make life easier if the kids went to neighboring schools or I lived in the city I work in, but these choices were made with great care and for reasons I may explain later.)  I’ve also been working on making my wake up time earlier this morning so I can work on writing and/or workout in the morning versus at night.

Lunches, then, are likely to consist of the same types of things since I’ll be taking lunch to work: meat, veggies, and a starch like sweet potatoes or plantain, possibly a piece of fruit.  I have been taking nearly the same lunch to work for a year now, with very little variation, and I’ve found that it does make life much easier to eat the same thing each day.  It requires no thought in the morning, and I’ve perfected which meals are easy to eat while sitting in an office with limited access to kitchen items.

It’s dinners that have me stumped.  How do I automate dinner to where it’s simple, requires little thought, but doesn’t become boring for everyone in the family?  I’m still pondering this.

sherlock holmes and mindfulness

A couple weeks ago, as I was walking with my son and SO to his ball field, I noticed a new playground area created for bodyweight exercises.  “Look! The city put in a new playground!  When did they do that?”  Both laughed.  “Mom, that’s been there for a long time,” my son said.  “It has?” Later that evening, SO pointed out that I had noticed the playground the very day that I submitted the remainder of my obligations for the semester, for the department at which I worked, and to the school.  He didn’t think it was coincidence.

I began reading Maria Konnikova’s book Mastermind: How to Think Like Sherlock Holmes, and I was struck by how her descriptions of the process of memory requiring a meditation, in-the-moment type state of mind.  From Sherlock Holmes, A Study in Scarlet:

A fool takes in all the lumber of every sort that he comes across, so that the knowledge which might be useful to him gets crowded out, or at best is jumbled up with a lot of other things, so that he has a difficulty in laying his hands upon it.  Now the skillful workman is very careful indeed as to what he takes into his brain-attic.

Konnikova writes that Sherlock’s thinking is admirable because he is able to focus on the moment and to follow a single train of thought with utmost focus.  She says, “he has taught his instant judgments to follow the train of thought of a far more reflective approach” (23).  She then cites Sherlock again: “I consider that a man’s brain originally is like a little empty attic, and you have to stock it with such furniture as you choose.”

I was immediately struck by this.  Imagine all that goes into that tiny attic space and becomes trapped in there, sucking up room that I’d love to put to better use!  Do I really need to know which celebs broke up?  Nope!  A thousand life hacks for removing stems and such from fruit.  Nope!  I want to store memories of my children experiencing new things, the sight of seeing Yellowstone’s mud pots for the first time as an adult, the smell of the ocean, and the image of the sun rising over the Gulf of Mexico.  That’s not to say that I never want to watch TV shows or read the news; instead of reading and watching mindlessly, I should be mindful of what I am consuming.  For instance, I sometimes stream a show just to have background noise, and that leads to my mindlessly watching thing that I am not remotely interested in.

Since reading Konnikova’s description of the mind as “a space in your head, specifically fashioned for storing the most disparate of objects,” I’ve been a bit more mindful of what those disparate objects are.  What will I remember?  Konnikova says that the memory is the basis of our thoughts.  “Out memory is in large part the starting point for how we think, how our preferences form, and how we make decisions” (29).  If our memory leads to our decisions, then it also leads to our actions.  This lends credence to the saying “What you think, you become.”

(For those who want to read more, Organize Your Mind, Organize Your Life similarly suggests a positive thinking and a meditation-like process as a means of becoming a more organized thinker.)

a damn fine feeling

To believe that I didn’t need to reach with my bare hands anymore. To know that seeing the fish beneath the surface of the water was enough. That it was everything. It was my life – like all lives, mysterious and irrevocable and sacred. So very close, so very present, so very belonging to me.
How wild it was, to let it be.
–Cheryl Strayed

Over the past four years my life has changed in ways that simply telling the story cannot explain.  I’ll try to do so by giving a few examples.  I take fewer pictures now because I’ve learned that taking the picture often requires my focus to be on the angle, on the shot, and not on the moment.  I’ve come to care less about how I look and more about how I feel; how can I enjoy the moment if I’m focused on looking good at the expense of feeling free?  I’m more likely to dance in public when I get the urge to dance, or to break out some yoga when I’m feeling stiff, even if it means that–gasp–people might see me.  In doing that, I find that I am content in the moment, that I “find” happiness without looking for it.

Cheryl Strayed’s quote from Wild jumped at me, tugging at my recent experiences and understanding.  To say that life is enough, that it is enough to simply live and not have to grab at life, it reflects where I am right now.  I think it’s a pretty great place.  The thing is, I know I’m still spending a lot of time hung up on things that don’t matter, and that means, if I can continue living with intention, life will only get better.  That’s a damn fine feeling.

I’m a newbie to the idea of living life with intention.  I want my life to reflect my values, and in order to do that, I have to remind myself that I need to live those values.  I sometimes forget that, in order to do this, I have to refill my own cup, give myself time. The big intention I’m working on right now is to be accepting.  I need to accept others for who they are, and I need to accept myself as I am with the understanding that accepting myself does not mean that I am perfect.  It also does not mean that I cannot improve.

This time last year, I would have said I was accepting of myself approximately 10% of the time.  It’s now reversed, for the most part.  I have moments of self-hatred, if I’m to be honest.  I get sucked into fraud syndrome, just like many women.  But they are moments and not days, and that’s progress.  I am working on building my confidence, because I deserve it.  I am not a fraud.  I am intelligent, and, more importantly, I am kind and caring.  Those aren’t traits of a fraud, but instead they are traits of a person who is worthy of accepting herself.  That’s a damn fine feeling.