be here now

I’m asked, usually many times a day, if I am am excited about the upcoming move.  Sometimes it’s a statement: I bet you’re so excited!  It’s been clear to me that my reaction is off-putting to people.  I’ve given a variety of responses, and not  a single one appears to be socially acceptable.  This is, in part, clear because often the same person comes up to me and asks the same thing and seems quite perturbed at my lack of enthusiasm.  So more and more often I hear, “Are you excited now???”  Responses include:

“Well, I’m just waiting to get through with this semester/job/etc. before I move on to thinking about a new position.”

“I am excited, but I’m mostly focused on what I’m doing right now.”

“You know, I’m not thinking about it much because I’ve got so much to do before it happens.”

The reactions to my responses have been lapping at the edges of my consciousness, and today (after three comments on how excited I must be…) I had time to process what is happening.

Once upon a time, with such an exciting change looming in my future, I would not have been able to concentrate on the here and now.  I would have already planned out the number of boxes (and packed them…), reserved the moving van, picked up change of address cards, put a deposit down on a home, began planning for curtains, etc. and generally been focused on this event that is so far in the future I can’t possibly plan for it in any meaningful way.

I’ll admit I’ve questioned my sanity a few times when I’ve realized that the date is sneaking up and I’ve not yet got a house to stay in.  I asked if I was losing my touch or my ability to plan.  But this mornings “Aren’t you exciteds” made me realize that I’m actually doing what I’ve been practicing for months now: I’m enjoying the now.  I’m focused on what is happening in this moment and letting uncertainty just be.

Over the past few months I’ve been focused on yoga and meditation, two things I thought I would never have the patience for.  But my body is teaching me that it likes stillness and patient training more than the harsh beatings I’ve been inclined to for my entire adult life.  I’m learning to be here now.  Years and thousands of dollars in schooling, and the best things I’ve learned have been free.

Now I am excited; I know I’m fortunate to be moving to a place I want to live in a job that seems as if it were written for me.  The closer I get to the move, the more I can feel the excitement build, but I am still very much focused on what is happening here: I have a paper to submit tomorrow, another paper I’m cowriting with a friend, a short class beginning on Monday, another class I’m to teach starting in a month, my kids are in baseball and softball, chaperoning for a class trip, music recitals to attend, etc., etc.  And if I start focusing on two and three months out, I’ll miss the things that are happening in front of me.

be here now

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